Pieces of the Puzzle ~ by Christina

The last few days, no weeks… wait, the last few months (or even year?) have been challenging haven’t they?

This week was one of those times when the emotions that were building in me hit the boiling point and overflowed at a time when I wasn’t completely alone and with someone I didn’t want to hear what I had to say.  You know those times when you’ve just struggled over and over due to various reasons and the one small event or word triggers you and brings you to the breaking point?  Yeah, that’s the one.  I broke.

Let me just tell you up front, I 100% trust God and I 100% know and believe God is in control.  But can I just express, sometimes the control that God has and the direction he brings us to and through, just seems to make me desire to see the whole picture because it doesn’t seem to make sense.

Covid-19 is only one piece of our crazy lives right now.  Everything else, other sicknesses, people going through hard times both financially and personally, death, other serious illnesses or life changing accidents, working lives and family lives more intertwined than ever because we haven’t been able to work fully in our work locations, grocery items that we have always gotten without running out of are not there when we go to the store, restaurants, theaters, etc. (the places I go to rest and escape) aren’t available.

I find myself trying to fit my old normal into the new normal and the pieces don’t fit properly.  So, then I frustratingly keep pushing the piece of the puzzle into the shape or spot that I think it should fit into and it won’t lay flat and fit.  UGH…

This blog post that you are reading today is one that I started on Mother’s Day and I am just now getting back to trying to finish.  I changed my original writing to what you are seeing today.  Even on Mother’s Day I was struggling and the emotions were building.  I’m not sure why I didn’t just delete it and completely start over, but maybe someone needs to read something here that they can relate to and need to hear….so here is this excerpt from my first attempt at this attempted post:

What is it that makes me so sad and just brings me down?  This “ho-hum” attitude takes over and then I have to fight to get out of that way of thinking. There’s no evident reason for it. It just happens. Today I think it’s a mixture of things pulling me down.

It’s mother’s day and I miss my son. It’s still covid-19 Safer at home. My work seems like I can’t catch a breath. My sewing machines are sitting here not working. I can’t remember how to crochet. My house is screaming for a good cleaning. My sleep routine is completely off and I can’t sleep. The level of my anxiety has never felt like it does now. My weight has crept up again. My body hurts from my RA. I can’t concentrate long enough to get certain things accomplished. There’s so much change and chaos that I’m almost to the point of throwing my hands in the air and giving up.

I know I’m not alone, there’s plenty of us struggling to get through this crazy time.

I think I keep stuffing and pushing against things in my life that are hard instead of embracing and walking through them resting and trusting in the process of going through them.  I work at a private school.  This week was the final week of school where everything had to be completed for the year and many items for next year had to be completed.  Things like report cards, awards, making sure families had paid the current school year tuition in full and returned outstanding school items, refunds because so much had been cancelled due to covid-19 that families prepaid for, employee reviews, teacher contracts for next year (including some difficult conversations like “we aren’t renewing your contract for next year due to reduction in classes” among other hard conversations), getting next year’s payments going along with scholarship information and trying to keep all of that straight, payroll so employees actually are paid, etc., etc., etc…

I am seeing my problem…I want perfection.  I want control.  I want things to go my way.  When these things happen and it’s not perfect, when I’m not in control and it doesn’t go my way, that’s when I can make a choice to fight it, keep pushing against it, or let God mold me and shape me so I fit into the shape and spot he has for me.  I know if I keep letting God mold me I will grow into the perfect shape, the perfect piece, to fit into the beautiful puzzle that God has created for my life.  A puzzle that when complete, will be a finished artwork of various pieces and shapes, that when put together are more beautiful and PERFECT than I can even imagine.

My mind keeps flashing and repeatedly replaying my “boiling point break” and how I wish I had kept all of this to myself and not “broke”. I am going to make the choice to let the truth cover me and flow through me.  The truth that lets me know that I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to know everything, life will go on even if I don’t get everything done (or done perfectly), that God made me just like I am and I am human.  The truth that God is molding me and making me into who he wants me to be.  My only job is to trust him and keep stepping through this journey focused on him and being a person who when I leave this earthly place can without any reservation or fear know that God will welcome me and say “well done, good and faithful servant”.

I am beautifully broken and trusting God… simply breathing in His rest and peace.  I am excited to see the finished “Christina” artwork of various pieces and shapes, that when put together are more beautiful and PERFECT than I can even imagine.  For now, I will step through and let God shape and fix my puzzle pieces so they are the perfect pieces for his plans for my life.